I’ve been thinkin’…….over thinkin’

July 15, 2015

They had pizza….. I had chicken….and salad……

While the chicken was very good, it did not kill my desire to have a piece of pizza with my family.   So for most of the evening I was wrestling with myself.  Saying have a piece.  One piece can’t hurt.  Just eat the toppings….it’s protein  (wink).  Finally I shut myself up and had a protein shake instead.   Then I said my prayers and went to sleep.   I had to thank God for helping me resist temptation.

July 16, 2015

I think I mentioned that I hate the scale.   I feel like it’s mocking me.  Well guess what Mr. Scale?  You are not the only measure of success.  Like when a blouse that was too tight suddenly has room.  Or when I can pull my jeans on and off without unzipping them.    Or when I look in the mirror and  see more curves and less lumps.   Or when several people comment that I’m losing weight.   So Mr. Scale you will just have to catch up.

July  17, 2015

I woke up with a splitting headache.  It pretty much derailed my whole day.  I stayed on track with my eating, but I decided not to go to the gym.   Instead I come home early and took a nap.  Then I started to reflect on this journey.  Will I reach my goal?  I’m I doing everything in my power to lose weight?  Will I ever find a nice fella and get married??  Oh yeah, this is a weight loss blog.  😉

July 18, 2015

What a blessing it was to attend the Women’s Fellowship at my church.  This meeting especially hit home because the topic was about transformation.  The Minister spoke about her own weight loss journey and how it wasn’t until she put it into the hands of God that she had success.   Boy that hit home.  This is one area of my life that I had so much trouble giving it over to Him.  I believe that this time I have.   It’s hard, but I’m operating in self-control.  I’m tempted all the time but stuffing my face is no longer an option.

July 19-July 24, 2015

This whole week I’ve been feeling some kind of way.  You know that way when you can’t figure out what you want?  When you can’t figure out if you are doing the right thing or are you just meandering through life.  I let a few personal issues consume my thoughts and throw me off schedule.  I didn’t go to the gym twice this week because……no real reason.    These are excuses that I vowed not to let get in my way this time.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to get out of my own way.

Stuck…Unstuck….Can we talk about those dang plateaus?

July 9, 2015

Dealing with a plateau can be annoying.   I’ve been holding steady at 286 for about two weeks now.   What’s up with that? I’ve heard it explained before. Something about you body becomes comfortable at a certain weight.

Well can a sista be comfortable at say…..My Goal Weight? ?? Jeepers.

I wasn’t really feeling the gym today. But I had a good workout anyway.

July 10, 2015

My not feeling the gym carried over to today. But nevertheless I went.   Did the bike and upper. Funny thing is, when I got home I went for a jog. It was a short jog. But it was something.   I’m craving cheesecake…. Bring on the protein bar.

July 11 2015

Thank you Jesus! I got on the scale this morning and finally the plateau was broken. Wow that was long. However considering that I’ve been fat for a long time I guess everything’s relative.   At any rate it helped me to put everything in perspective and to remember that this is a journey and not a sprint. Slow and steady wins the race is an expression that annoys me but it’s true. So with that said, I will continue to do the best for my body and stay focused.   I put this journey in the hands of the Lord and this time I’m not taking it back.

July 12, 2015

Laying here thinking about if I should go for a quick jog or nah.   On one hand I want to push myself. But on the other I know that if I push myself too soon, I might quit before I begin.   Shouldn’t be that way. I should stay positive and believe that I can and will. But still…..I know myself.

I’m not close to meeting my calorie goals today.   Didn’t get a good breakfast before church.   So it put me off track.

I’m short on cash but I managed to get breakfast and lunch for the upcoming week.   Sometimes I worry about food too much. I’m sure I have enough fat reserved that I probably won’t starve for a while. That’s not an insult. That’s just who I am right now.

July 13th & 14th, 2015

My eating and workouts were awesome.   I felt better than I did last week.   Felt like I worked really hard.   Got my little sprint in too. I had to thank God for the way that he’s changing me. How I truly believe that I’m becoming the me I always wanted to be. The me that God wants me to be…….

Here’s where it started….Here’s where I am….

I guess I could begin around the age of 10 when I started developing a lot faster than my friends. Suddenly my hips and thighs were coming in like gangbusters. It also didn’t help that my idea of fun was baking cakes and sitting around watching soaps with my friends during the summer. The funny this is, when I look back at pictures of myself as a preteen and teenager, I was not fat. But back then when I looked in the mirror, I was huge! Thus begin my diet journey…….

June 1987June 1987 – Normal sized girl.  Thought I was fat….

 Now at some point after all of the dieting, I actually began to get fat. Really fat. Ben, Jerry, Jelly Belly’s are a few of my favorite things along with cakes, cookies, pizza, mac and cheese…I’m making myself hungry so let me stop. But you get the point, right? I like to eat. Sometimes that’s all I like to do and boy did it show.

 I’ve been on many diets. You probably have heard of them. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Slimfast, Lindora, Prizm, Medifast, Juice fasting, etc. The thing is, I’d lose but never reach my goal. Then I’d get cocky and think I can cheat here and there only to see each and every pound come back with a vengeance. Not only that, those pounds would bring more pounds. I’ve dieted my way to over 300 pounds. If I’m honest the highest I’ve ever been was 328.

 In April of 2011 I decided enough is enough and this time, this time I was going to lose all of this weight and keep it off. I was doing pretty well. I was eating right, walking every day. I was looking pretty good and getting there. By March of 2012 I lost 75 pounds. I was inspiring people. Strangers were coming up to me asking me how I did it. I was holding steady. I even added jogging to my workouts… So what happened? Was it because I got my heartbroken twice? Was it because I lost my apartment? Was it because I discovered two cupcake places in my neighborhood? Was it the cockiness that had derailed me many times before? I held steady throughout 2012. In 2013 however, the weight of life and my body started to pick up again. I’d half-heartedly eat right and walk a little bit. But I wasn’t consistent at all.   By 2014 I had gained all of 15 or so pounds back.

 One day I was taking a walk up a hill feeling frustrated once again about my weight. Once I got home I decided that it’s time to do something about it again.   I decided that weight loss surgery was the way to once and for all fix my weight loss issue.

 I talked to my Dr. about it. The appointments were set to start taking classes.   Test were being run.   I started taking classes.   I asked my friends to pray for me. During one of my examinations the consulting Dr. felt my stomach and asked me what that big lump was. I said maybe its muscle under the fat. He said no I’m pretty sure it’s a fibroid. Why would a fibroid be that high up on my stomach? Anyway, I still continued to take the classes that I didn’t get anything out of. At this point, my getting gastric bypass was looking slim because now all of my appointments were to prepare me for a hysterectomy.   Monthly shots, more test, moodiness, more weight gain, sadness for the children that I will never have…..

 It’s funny because during this time I kept asking God why my plan didn’t work out the way I expected it to. What is it that I need to learn in all of this? I won’t say that I had a pity party, but I did have questions….

 On February 4, 2015 I had surgery. Not gastric bypass but a hysterectomy. Recovery was painful but not hard. During the 6 weeks off from work I decided that I was going to try smoothies to help me lose weight. But somehow the desire to eat ice cream and jellybeans took over. By the time I returned to work, I was in a size 20.

 I kept praying and asking God why why why can’t I lose this weight. Why why why am I so fat? I decided to hire a coach. For a month I emailed her what I ate. Leaving out all of the extra.   After only losing 2 pounds with her I decided to let her go. We were wasting each other’s time. One day in prayer after stuffing myself again with jellybeans and Frappuccino’s the Lord told me that the reason that I’m not losing weight is because I keep taking back what I have given to him. I can’t be truly delivered if I keep taking it back.  I keep saying just one more and then I will stop. He told me that I needed to say that I’m not that person anymore. So instead of eating my way through another day, I decided to try Lindora again. It worked in the past so I figured it would work again. But the thing is, I had to do the work. I had to work harder than before.

WIN_20150519_201913 May 19, 2015 – 297 Pounds

 I’ve been on the program for 5 weeks now. As of today June 28, 2015 I have lost 11 pounds. Believe me when I say, as you get older it’s harder to lose weight. The last few times that I did Lindora the weight came off faster. But oh well the past is the past. It’s a new day. I’m glad that I need to push myself harder because if I didn’t I would have never joined a gym. Yep Agena in a gym. With the exception of spending time in the little gym at my job, I hadn’t been to the gym in years.

What I’ve learned is that I actually enjoy going. I go 4 times a week. I thought I’d be taking classes all the time, but guess what?   I’m on the treadmill and the weight machines. It was awkward at first but now I’m almost an expert. Almost. Can’t figure out how to get in or out of the adductor machines to save my life.

 So as I stated in the beginning, this is a journey…A journey that I plan to continue on. When I get discouraged, I will look to the one who has guided me thus far, God.   In the past, I looked to myself. But I’ve disappointed myself many times. God has not.

June 29, 2015

So I went to the gym today. I was bummed that I missed Friday but I was too tired over the weekend.   Honestly I’m really enjoying the gym. I surprised by this. I didn’t do a grocery haul for this week. But I feel like I made a good choice. A salad from Wendy’s. It was good but homemade is always better. After the gym I had major pain. But it felt good.

 June 30, 2015

After going hard in the gym yesterday imagine my surprise when I hopped on the scale only to find that I found 3 pounds. What? No way! That’s why I hate weighing myself every day. Some days my body just doesn’t want to patriate in what I’m trying to do.   At any rate something like this would make me throw in the towel. But I owe it to myself to keep on keeping on. So I ate the right things and took myself to the gym.   And I feel so good about it.

 July 1 & 2, 2015

Hopped on the scale this morning and those same pounds decided to stay. Could have been because of the BMs that I couldn’t take. Hate when that happens. .. but I will say that by midmorning Smooth Move took care of that problem.   Wednesday is my day off from the gym. But today I went back. Tried the elliptical but couldn’t hang. I need to step it up.

I had a thought…..even if I’m never thin, I know that by working out I will reach a reasonable and manageable size. Still I’m striving for my goal.

 July 3, 2015

I am such a procrastinator. I take forever to do things that I made my mind up to do weeks; months ago. Such is the case of my car….I have needed it serviced forever. By forever I mean at least 3 years. After one more light came on I finally took it in. Price wasn’t bad but in a year or so, I will need to pay 1400 for something I probably wouldn’t need if I had serviced my car…

 But I digress being that this is a weight loss blog.   I mentioned how much I enjoy the gym. But did I say that I decided in April that I was going to join. I priced different gyms, locations, classes, blah blah blah. I finally decided that I would join LA Fitness. But first….I needed the right workout gear, gym bag, socks, shoes…. Then I needed to get up the nerve to join.   I was worried that I’d be the fatest person there. yada yada yada. So after a month I finally joined….

 I decided that 4 days a week is how often I need to be in the gym. So today with all of the running around I asked myself if I really wanted to go and my answer was hell yeah!

July 4, 2015

I am pleased to announce that although it’s a holiday and I was truly looking forward to eating, I did not stuff myself.   I had food that I really enjoyed but I  made a commitment to myself and to God not to be a glutton.    If I’m not the same person as I was before then I don’t need to practice in that type of behavior.

So mac & cheese and a small piece of cake was fine and dandy but nothing too keep me from reaching my goal.

 July 5, 2015

 Boredom and good food is not a good mix. I didn’t overeat but I eat.  Regrouping in the morning.   I’m done for now.

 July 6, 7 & 8, 2015

By Monday I was back on track. Yogurt, Salmon, Protein bars, the gym. Felt good. Tuesday was more of the same.   Today is Wednesday. I’m still doing well. It’s my off day for the gym. I will be back tomorrow. Sometimes when I’m on the treadmill I want to jump off before I finish. But I’ve come to realize that I jump off of a lot of things before I finish. So going forward, I’m going to make a point to finish what I start.

By the by…..there was a tiny bit of mac & cheese leftover. Guess what I ate it.   But seriously I won’t be eating it again until Thanksgiving. I’m trying yawl. I’m trying……